Hi,
It sounds complex. Is it for a university class? If so, what is the style of the poem called? I understand dunadh but that's just the end. Why this particular structure? Have you written any of it? Your example doesn't adhere to the structure you've described.
I'm a university-educated native English speaker. I have lots of experience - writing, editing, teaching creative writing & doing manuscript consultations. I've written/published 3 books of poetry. I've taught poetry. I'd be more inclined to help you with something you've already written rather than start fresh (because I'm a perfectionist and it would take me forever and then I'd want to call it mine - a labour of love ... )
Here's my Snakes and Ladders poem - published in my book and I also won an award for it:
Snakes and Ladders
You climb Jacob’s ladder
slow steady ascension
I run circles ‘round you
travel twice as fast
cover half the distance
blame cultural resistance
coil my snake around your ladder
shed my skin a dozen times
slither ‘twixt and ‘tween your rungs
spiral upward
pirouette
transcend in puff of smoke
and you’re not even home yet.
Please see the reviews and portfolio on my profile page. I can send you a list of edited projects and/or direct you to some of my work online if you like.
Anyway, be interested in talking about it further and/or editing what you get out of this.