Salut!
I've gone through the draft of your screenplay, and I believe it needs a LOT of work. This isn't just script editing work, but script re-writing in a lot of parts. Here is a list of what needs to be fixed and tweaked:
1. Formatting:
- The action lines show up in characters' dialogue a lot, instead of separately.
- The action description is often in clunky paragraphs of up to 11 lines or more, making it hard to read. It needs to be cut down.
2. Dialogue
- Currently, a lot of dialogue looks like it has been translated using a machine software like Google Translate.
- The dialogue is on-the-nose, robotic and at present, seems like they're just delivering information for the audience, rather than speaking like real people would.
- Some sentences are extremely confusing and need re-wording. E.g. On Page 18 of your script, a Young Fireman says, "... and he will whip you all as he did in the temple because you are all that octopuses a money..."
3. Page Count
Currently, your page count is 99 pages, but after editing the large paragraphs into smaller lines, the pages will increase to 150 or more. It will need to be brought down to 120.
I've been a working screenwriter since 2010 and have completed a screenwriting program from UCLA. Also, I've done this job earlier for someone on Freelancer.
I'm 30 and I've worked on a PSA about religion, and I'm quite open to all religions and sects.
I'd love to work on 'The Lemniscate.' Do contact me to discuss this further. Ciao.